- ¶ BACK IN THE DAY, WELL, THEY ALL USED TO SAY ¶
¶ THAT KING ARTHUR REALLY HAD IT MADE ¶
¶ THERE WERE DRAGONS TO SLAY ¶
¶ A PRINCESS TO SAVE ¶
¶ AND NO SUCH THING AS GETTING GOOD GRADES ¶
¶ NO BULLIES TO BATTLE, NO PRINCIPALS RATTLING OFF ¶
¶ EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER DONE WRONG ¶
¶ JUST CASTLES AND KNIGHTS ¶
¶ WHO WERE UP FOR THE FIGHT ¶
¶ WHEN SOME EVIL DRAGON CAME ALONG ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER TO SAVE THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
¶ THOSE DAYS ARE GONE ¶
¶ THERE'S NO SWORDS TO BE DRAWN ¶
¶ IT'S AN ORDINARY EVERYDAY BORE ¶
¶ BUT IF DRAGONS WERE BACK I'LL BE FIRST TO ATTACK ¶
¶ BETWEEN HOMEWORK, SCHOOL, AND CHORES ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER TO SAVE THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
¶ ON A ROLL WITH A TROLL ¶
¶ ON A QUEST WE WILL GO ¶
¶ FIGHTING A WAR IN THE HALLWAYS AND SEWERS ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER TO SAVE THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER SAVING THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGON, A TEENAGE DRAGON ¶
¶ A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
- I'M ARTHUR, AND I SLAY DRAGONS.
THAT'S TIM.
- YOU IDIOT.
- WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.
THAT'S NATALIE.
- OH!
YOU DWEEBS.
- SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT ME.
WE'RE THE KNIGHTS OF THE SQUARE TABLE.
WE WENT LOOKING FOR A MONSTER...
- [screaming]
- AND, BOY, DID WE FIND ONE.
both: SHH.
- WHAT IS THAT?
GET ME OUT OF HERE. GET ME OUT.
- QUIET, QUIET. - SHH.
[pounding on door]
- WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.
I THINK I'M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF.
LET ME TELL YOU HOW THIS WHOLE THING STARTED.
I THINK SOMETHING'S OUT THERE.
- IT'S PROBABLY JUST BULLIES.
- WE SHOULD LEAVE BEFORE WE GET WEDGIED.
I THINK I HEAR MY MOTHER CALLING ME.
- UH, I THINK SHE'S CALLING ME TOO.
[growling noise]
- COME ON, PUNK.
THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY, DIDN'T YOU?
- METZ.
- IF IT ISN'T QUEEN ARTHUR.
GRENDEL, DOWN.
THIS ONE MIGHT GIVE YOU RABIES.
OH, A GIFT.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CARED.
- THEY'RE MINE.
- DON'T TRY TO BE A HERO, NUMBNUTS.
- THAT'S ELIXIR, SIR.
IT'S A COLLECTIBLE CARD GAME, FANTASY-BASED,
PLAYED BY MATHLETES, MISFITS,
AND THOSE PICKED LAST FOR KICKBALL.
- "DARKSMOKE: EVIL DRAGON LORD,
ARCHENEMA OF TOBAR THE GOLDEN DRAGON."
- I THINK THAT'S "ENEMY."
- I CAN READ, MORON.
- DARKSMOKE'S BAD.
- THAT CARD'S RARE.
IT'S WORTH 10 BUCKS.
- 10 BUCKS, EH?
BET IT'D LOOK MIGHTY FINE IN THE SPOKES OF MY BIKE.
- WHOA. - WHOA.
- YOU LIKE TO PLAY GAMES, QUEEN ARTHUR?
WELL, I GOT A GAME FOR YOU.
IT'S CALLED "PIÑATA BOY."
[screaming]
AH, I'M BLIND.
I'VE BEEN SLIMED.
GET HIM.
I'M BLIND. [screaming]
- BACK HERE.
- GET HIM.
- YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?
- I'M GONNA GET THAT KID.
- WHY'D YOU PULL ME BACK?
- DO YOU WANT ME TO ANSWER THAT,
OR DO YOU WANT ME TO GET BELLIGERENT?
- NEITHER.
GOOD SHOOTIN', TEX.
- THANKS. - LET'S GO.
- [grumbling]
[whistle blows]
- A WHISTLE, REALLY?
[whistle blows]
- I HAVE WORKED AT THIS JOB LONG ENOUGH
TO BE ABLE TO SPOT L.O.D. WHEN I SEE IT.
A LOD.
- L.O.D.: LACK OF DISCIPLINE.
SINGLE MOM WORKING LATE NIGHTS,
EVEN LATER NIGHTS WITH HER BOYFRIEND.
[scoffs]
SO SAD.
WHAT WITH OUR CUSTODY HEARING COMING UP,
I WOULD THINK THAT YOU WOULD CARE A LITTLE MORE
ABOUT PUBLIC PERCEPTION.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY CUSTODY HEARING?
- DAD? - LAURA.
- MRS. METZ. - LAURA.
- MOM. - ARTHUR.
- METZ. - ART.
- ANNIE. - ART.
- ARTHUR.
- WELL, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HERE,
WHO SHALL TAKE THE CHILD?
- LAURA, DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE FIT TO BE A GOOD MOTHER?
- WELL, SEE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, ART,
WHEN PEOPLE DON'T TIVO OPRAH OR DR. PHIL
OR DR. LAURA SCHLESSIN-- SCHLESS--
DR. LAURA.
- LAURA, YOU'RE NOT FIT TO BE HIS MOTHER.
YOU DON'T TIVO ANYTHING.
- WHAT? TIVO?
WHAT UNIVERSE IS SHE A FIT MOTHER?
- ALL RIGHT, LAURA,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO CHECK YOUR TONE-AGE WITH ME, OKAY?
BECAUSE I AM THE SECOND ASSISTANT
OF THE SERGEANT BATTALION, SWING SHIFT,
AND IN ADDITION TO HELPING THE PUBLIC,
I HAPPEN TO HAVE VERY STRONG MOTHERING INSTINCTS.
I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO RAISE WILD RABBITS
AND PUPPIES, REMEMBER?
- THE PUPPIES.
- PUPPIES, LOTS OF PUPPIES AND SOME STRAY FELINES
AND A CAT, EVEN.
- DID YOU HEAR THAT, ARTHUR? SHE'S RAISED A CAT.
MAYBE SHE'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO PEE IN A BOX.
- YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL.
YOU'RE TALKING TO AN AUTHORITARIAN.
- [tutting]
ARTHUR,
WHO DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH?
- ME?
- OKAY, THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS.
- MRS. LYLE, CAN YOU HONESTLY CLAIM
TO PROVIDE A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT FOR YOUR SON?
I MEAN, THE BOY IS CLEARLY MISGUIDED.
HE HAS YET TO OFFER AN APOLOGY TO MY LITTLE LARRY.
- APOLOGIZE?
OKAY, MRS. METZ,
YOUR MOST ROYAL EXALTED HIGHNESS,
I APOLOGIZE.
I APOLOGIZE THAT SOMEONE SAW FIT
TO PUT YOU INTO A POSITION OF AUTHORITY
WHEN YOUR OWN SON OBVIOUSLY HAS AN L.O.D. PROBLEM,
AND I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE THAT MY ARTHUR
DIDN'T CAUSE MORE HARM TO YOUR LITTLE TYRANT
THAN TO HURT HIS OVERPRICED DESIGNER CLOTHES,
AND IF HE EVER BULLIES MY SON AGAIN,
I SWEAR I WILL SHOW HIM NO LACK OF DISCIPLINE.
- [shrieks]
- AND YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT THE BOYFRIEND THING.
[whistle blows]
LET'S GO.
YOU OWE ME.
- FOR WHAT?
- THREE DAYS' VACATION.
- IT'S CALLED A SUSPENSION.
- IT'S ONLY CALLED A SUSPENSION IF YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG.
LOOK, DON'T WORRY, KIDDO.
I WILL HANDLE IT.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.
- AH...
BREAK OUT YOUR POCKET PROTECTOR, BECAUSE I GOT YOU TICKETS
TO THE BIGGEST ELIXIR QUEST CONVENTION IN THE WORLD.
- NO WAY.
- YEAH.
- TIM'S GONNA PEE HIS PANTS.
SHANE BARKER'S GONNA BE THERE.
- WHO?
- HE'S THE ELIXIR QUEST GAME DESIGNER.
HE'S UNVEILING A NEW EXPANSION DECK.
- OH, IS HE CUTE?
- PERMISSION TO BARF.
- DENIED, SOLDIER.
I JUST GOT THE OLD SHOE SMELL OUT OF THIS CAR.
I AM NOT IN THE MARKET FOR A NEW ODOR.
LOOK, HONEY, THERE'S SOME SMALL PRINT.
OH, HERE IT COMES.
- NO SEWERS.
- BUT, MOM--
- THEY'RE DISGUSTING.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CALLED A SEWER.
HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE WITH THE ALLIGATOR?
ARRRGH.
YEAH, WELL, LOOK,
THERE'S SOME HOT POCKETS IN THE FREEZER,
AND IF YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY, WE'VE GOT FIG NEWTONS.
- MMM.
[laughs]
- GIVE ME A KISS. - WHAT?
- HURRY UP. I'M LATE FOR WORK.
- BYE, MOM. - NO SEWER.
- SO THE TUNNEL HAS THREE CORRIDORS:
HERE, HERE, AND HERE.
WE'LL SPLIT UP.
- CAN I GO WITH YOU?
- YEAH, EXCEPT THAT WOULD KIND OF RUIN
THE WHOLE SPLITTING UP THING.
WE EACH TAKE A WING.
WHEN WE HEAR IT,
WE CLOSE IN AND TRAP THE MONSTER BETWEEN US.
- WE'RE ACTUALLY GONNA MOVE TOWARD THE MONSTER?
WOULD NOT HAPPEN IN MY PLAN.
- WE'RE THE KNIGHTS OF THE SQUARE TABLE.
WE CAN'T PASS UP A CHANCE TO SEE A MONSTER.
- LET'S GET ON WITH THIS.
I'M ROGUE.
MY PARENTS THINK I AM SELLING COOKIES TILL 8:00.
- KEEP THESE WALKIES ON, CONSTANT CONTACT,
AND NO NAPPING.
WE MIGHT BE DEALING WITH A MAN-EATER.
- GO. - YOU GO.
- I'LL GO.
- GO.
- I'M GOING. - OKAY.
both: TIM, ARE YOU GONNA GO?
- YEAH...
PEE-PEE.
both: JUST GO.
- YOU--YOU GO.
- I'M GOING. - I'M GOING TOO.
- [sighs]
I'VE GOT TO GET HOME.
I'M BEHIND ON MY SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT,
AND I'VE GOT A BOOK REPORT DUE TOMORROW, AND THIS--
- WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.
WHAT'S THE BOOK?
- UM...
OH, WATERSHIP DOWN.
- AND HOW FAR DID YOU GET?
- THERE'S A RABBIT ON THE COVER.
- I READ THAT BOOK LAST YEAR.
- YEAH?
- YEAH, IT'S ABOUT THESE RABBITS.
THEY LIVE IN A HOTEL.
- YOU MEAN IT?
- YEAH, AND THEY'RE TWINS.
THEIR NAMES ARE ZACK AND CODY.
[upbeat electronic music]
¶ ¶
- NATALIE?
NATALIE, ARE YOU THERE?
NATALIE.
- WHERE IS SHE?
- I--I DON'T KNOW.
- WHAT IF THAT THING GOT HER?
- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT THERE IS A THING.
- WE WILL IF IT ATE NATALIE.
- JUST STICK WITH THE PLAN AND MEET AT THE INTERSECTION.
- HOW ABOUT PLAN "B": RUN, ESCAPE, LIVE?
- INTERSECTION...NOW.
START WALKING.
- I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS.
¶ ¶
- IT'S...NO, NO.
ARTHUR, BIG PROBLEM, BIG PROBLEM.
ARTHUR, MY LIGHT WENT OUT.
OH, IT'S DARK, ARTHUR, AND I'M BUMPING INTO WALLS,
AND...
OH, THERE'S STUFF ON THESE WALLS, SLIMY STUFF.
WHAT IF IT'S THE MONSTER?
- IT'S COOL.
YOU KNOW THIS PLACE LIKE THE BACK OF YOUR HAND.
- THAT WOULD BE FINE
IF I COULD SEE THE BACK OF MY HAND.
- JUST KEEP WALKING STRAIGHT AHEAD,
AND EVENTUALLY, YOU'LL SEE MY LIGHT,
AND EVERYTHING WILL BE...
OH, NO.
- ARTHUR, IS THAT...
- YOU HEAR IT?
- WHAT IS IT?
- RADIO SILENCE.
- WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THAT?
- BECAUSE IT MIGHT HEAR US.
- I'M TAKING EVASIVE ACTION.
- NEGATIVE. HOLD YOUR GROUND.
THAT'S AN ORDER.
- CONSIDER THIS A RESIGNATION
FROM THE KNIGHTS OF THE SQUARE TABLE.
- TIM. TIM!
TIM?
NATALIE.
¶ ¶
- OH, AH.
- HEY, WHERE WERE YOU?
I KEPT CALLING.
- I LOST MY WALKIE.
DID YOU FIND NATALIE?
- NOPE, NATALIE FOUND YOU.
WHOSE TUNES?
- UNSOLVED MYSTERY.
[growling noise]
- WHAT? - SHH.
- YOU'RE CREEPING ME OUT.
- SHH, SHH, SHH!
- WHAT, IS "SHH" MY NAME NOW?
[footsteps tapping and chain rattling]
- RUN. - RUN.
- [screams]
[screaming] COME ON.
[all screaming]
- COME.
- I CAN'T SEE. - WAIT. WAIT. SLOW DOWN.
SLOW DOWN.
- COME ON, WE HAVE TO KEEP MOVING.
THAT THING MIGHT BE LOOKING FOR ITS RADIO.
NICE.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS, A WEREWOLF, A VAMPIRE,
MAYBE--MAYBE A MINOTAUR?
- THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MINOTAURS.
THEY'RE MYTHOLOGICAL.
- MY MYTH-STAKE.
- MAYBE IT'S, LIKE, ONE OF THOSE STORIES
WHERE AN ABANDONED CHILD IS RAISED BY WOLVES OR SOMETHING.
- REALITY CHECK.
THOSE ARE NOT HISTORICAL ACCOUNTS.
THOSE ARE DISNEY MOVIES.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS,
BUT I DO KNOW WHAT WE WERE: DINNER.
- I'M NOT SO SURE IT'S OUT TO HURT US.
- YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK THERE.
PROMISE ME.
- UH, I'M NOT.
- PROMISE ME, ARTHUR LYLE,
OR I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN
AS LONG AS I LIVE.
- I PROMISE.
- YOU SMELL LIKE SOMETHING FROM THE BACK OF THE REFRIGERATOR.
- I FELL IN A PUDDLE.
- MM-HMM, AND SO DID YOUR COMPUTER,
YOUR ELIXIR CARDS, AND TV: TWO WEEKS.
- SOUNDS FAIR.
- GOOD NIGHT.
[birds chirping]
- YOU GOT THE STUFF?
- TAKEN RIGHT FROM MY BROTHER'S CD PLAYER.
I HAD TO SNEAK INTO MY BROTHER'S ROOM.
YOU KNOW HOW PSYCHOTIC HE IS.
I DESERVE HAZARD PAY.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
THE RAREST AND MOST POWERFUL CARD
IN THE ELIXIR QUEST ARSENAL.
IT WAS DISCONTINUED BECAUSE OF GAME BALANCE REASONS.
- I CAN ALMOST FEEL THE POWER.
- USE IT WISELY, MY FRIEND,
BECAUSE WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.
OH, AND IF I DON'T COME BACK, YOU GET MY COMIC BOOKS.
[light guitar music]
¶ ¶
- ¶ NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW'S GONNA BRING ¶
¶ IT MAY LEAVE YOU WITH NOTHING ¶
¶ AND IT MAY LEAVE YOU EVERYTHING ¶
- NERD ALERT. NERD ALERT.
GEEKS HEADING EASTBOUND ON BIKES.
- GET THE BIKES.
WE GOT WEDGIES TO GIVE.
- ¶ AND SOME ARE SCARED OF DYING ¶
¶ AND MORE AFRAID TO BE ALIVE ¶
¶ AND SOME ARE SCARED OF LIVING ¶
¶ WITHOUT SOMEBODY BY THEIR SIDE ¶
¶ YOU WON'T CONTROL YOUR FUTURE ¶
¶ ASK ANYONE WHO'S EVER TRIED ¶
¶ AND YOU MAY NOT GET WHERE YOU'RE GOING ¶
¶ SO ENJOY THE RIDE ¶
¶ ¶
[upbeat music]
¶ ¶
- ¶ YOU DON'T KNOW ME ¶
¶ I DON'T KNOW YOU ¶
¶ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU DO ¶
¶ YOU DON'T KNOW ME ¶
¶ I DON'T KNOW YOU ¶
¶ WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU DO ¶
- ¶ EVERY DAY I WAKE UP IN THE FLESH ¶
¶ EVERY TIME I TRY TO HOLD MY BREATH ¶
¶ EVERY TIME I'M TOLD TO FORGET IT ¶
¶ 'CAUSE EVERY TIME I GET COMMITTED ¶
¶ YOU DON'T GET IT, GOT IT ALL WRONG, SEE ¶
¶ EVERYBODY DIES HERE BUT ME ¶
- ¶ I WILL MAKE YOU SIT BACK ¶
[boom box playing various songs]
¶ ¶
- [whistles]
LOOK AT THIS SPOT, GUYS.
- OVER HERE.
- COME ON, GUYS. - PERFECT.
- THEY'RE NOT EVEN GONNA SEE WHAT'S COMING.
ALPHA WEAPON.
GREAT JOB.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, FIRE IN THE HOLE.
- OH, HERE IT GOES.
[firecracker booming]
- HE'S SCARED.
COME ON, GUYS, LET'S LIGHT MORE.
[laughs] LOOK AT HIM.
[firecrackers whistling and booming]
[laughter]
- CHECK THIS OUT. - MAN.
- THAT'S AN M-80.
IT COULD KILL HIM.
- OH, STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS.
- OKAY, BACK UP. BACK UP.
- [groans]
[grunts] WHOA.
[coughs]
- [sighs]
- YOU HEAR ANYTHING?
- METZ. - WHAT?
- [grunts]
- WHAT IS IT?
- WHAT HAPPENED?
WHERE'D HE GO?
- HE'S GONE. - I SWEAR I SAW SOMETHING.
- YOU'RE CRAZY. - THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
- SERIOUSLY, GUYS, I SWEAR.
- MM-HMM.
- [sneezes]
[coughing]
[blubbering]
[mumbles]
- WHOA.
WHOA-HO-HO.
OH, OH, I--YOU-- YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT ME.
I MEAN, I'LL GIVE YOU DIARRHEA OR SOMETHING.
NO, NO, PLEASE, DON'T.
PLEASE, NO, NO.
[upbeat rap music]
¶ ¶
I'LL NEVER WATCH MTV AGAIN.
THANK YOU.
MY NAME'S ARTHUR.
- ARTHUR.
- YEAH.
- BART.
- YOUR NAME'S BART.
BART, THAT'S... THAT'S A NICE NAME.
HEY, BART, SAY CHEESE.
- CHEEEEEESE.
- I'M--I'M SORRY.
- DON'T! BAD!
- COME ON, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE PICTURE.
- [grumbling]
- DOES YOUR ORTHODONTIST KNOW YOU'RE DOING THAT?
YOU--YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
THE LEAST I CAN DO IS SAVE YOUR TEETH.
YOU CAN COME WITH ME.
I HAVE TOOLS.
YOU KNOW, TOOLS?
I'LL--I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
AND I'LL BRING SOME-- SOME SAWS
AND A WIRE CUTTERS AND A--
AND A TOOTHBRUSH
OR SIX, YOU KNOW, CLEAN, MINTY FRESH.
- COME BACK.
ARTHUR, COME BACK. LATER.
DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE BACK, OKAY?
IT'S KIND OF A TIGHT SQUEEZE.
HOW DO YOU GET IN HERE?
- THIS WILL ALL CHANGE WHEN I'M YOUR MOMMY.
[laughter]
- I HAVE TWO WORDS: TSK, TSK.
- I DID BRING THE BOY HERE AFTER I SAW HOW GUILTY HE LOOKED
COMING OUT OF THAT SEWER.
SAID HE WOULDN'T TALK TO ANYBODY
TILL HE SAW HIS LAWYER.
WHICH I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE.
I MEAN, HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOUR STEPMOM?
SOON-TO-BE FUTURE STEPMOM.
BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS, VICE PRINCIPAL METZ:
THE BOY DOES HAVE ONE HECK OF AN IMAGINATION.
- IS THAT TIMMY?
- [gulps] - [gasps]
NO.
- [exhales deeply]
I WOULDN'T BE DOING MY JOB IF I ALLOWED YOU
TO CONTINUE TO USE THE SEWER SYSTEM
AS A SUBSTITUTE BABYSITTER, MADAM.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
THE BOY MAY HAVE A FUTURE IN SANITATION.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEND HIM TO PLUMBING CAMP.
I'M SURE THAT IT WOULD PAY MORE THAN CHECKOUT LINE.
- OH, PLEASE, I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OUT OF YOU.
- TEMPER, TEMPER.
WE ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF...
SOMEONE IN A UNIFORM.
EXCELLENT FIELDWORK, OFFICER ALICE.
- ANNIE. - ANNIE, WHATEVER.
MAY I BUY YOU A CUP OF SANKA?
- I--I LOVE SANKA.
- YES, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.
PLEASE SEE YOURSELF OUT.
- MOM, I--
- DO NOT.
ALL RIGHT, MAYBE VICE PRINCIPAL VOLDEMORT WAS RIGHT.
MAYBE I'M NOT DOING A GOOD JOB.
MAYBE I SHOULD START TIVO-ING OPRAH.
- THERE ARE MONSTERS IN THE SEWER, THOUGH.
- ENOUGH WITH THE MAKE-BELIEVE, ARTHUR.
- I WILL TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST, MOM.
- YOU CAN'T EVEN PASS A SOCIAL STUDIES TEST.
LOOK, HONEY, IF WE DON'T START WORKING THIS OUT,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE LIVING WITH ME OR YOUR DAD
OR WITH THE EVIL OFFICER ANNIE.
YOU'RE GONNA BE IN JUVENILE HALL.
[whistle blows]
HELLO, OFFICER.
- WE NEED THIS CAR REVERSED IMMEDIATELY.
- WHY?
- WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY HERE,
A CARPET EMERGENCY.
- HMM, HONEY, I'M GONNA DROP YOU OFF HERE,
BECAUSE I HAVE EVIL CUSTOMERS WAITING FOR ME.
- UH-HUH.
- HONEY...KISS.
- YEAH.
TIM, TIM, JUST LISTEN TO ME.
- I AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND, WHAT LEFT THERE IS.
- TIM, THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, SO IS ALGEBRA.
ARTHUR?
ARTHUR!
- TEN MINUTES, AND BRING NAT.
- DID I MENTION THIS IS A WHOLE LOT OF BAD IDEA?
- I OWE HIM.
- CAN WE GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD?
I GOT CURFEW.
- TIM, LET'S GO.
- WHAT ABOUT ME?
- YOU'RE BACKUP. - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- YOU BACK US UP.
[funky electronic music]
¶ ¶
- COME ON, QUICKLY.
COME ON, SNAP TO IT.
- IT'S ABOUT TO GET BAD.
- I HAVEN'T FOUND HIM YET.
- IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING TO A PERSON.
IT'S SPECIFICALLY TROLL-GRADE.
- [coughing]
- THIS SHOULD WORK, GUYS.
- HURRY, GUYS, EVERYONE, EVERYONE.
- COME ON, HURRY UP.
COME ON, GO. GO.
COME ON, TURN IT UP.
- THERE IT IS.
THERE IT IS OVER HERE.
BRING THE SMOKE.
WE NEED THE SMOKE.
THERE IT IS.
- THERE HE IS. - GRAB THE SCANNER.
LET'S GO, GUYS. HERE WE GO.
- THERE HE IS. - IT'S HIM.
- GO. GO. GO. GO. GO.
- BART! [coughs]
BART.
[coughs]
HE NEEDS AIR.
- TRICK OR TREAT.
- I DIDN'T SIGN UP TO KILL A KID, GUYS.
ALL RIGHT, WELL...
- THIS IS FOXTROT HULU.
- IT'S JUST A STUPID KID.
IT'S A STUPID KID.
LET'S GO.
- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- ARE WE DONE? - LIKE I SAID, LET'S GO.
- [coughs]
COME ON, BART.
[air hissing]
- [coughs]
- COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
COME ON, BART.
COME ON, I GOT YOU. YOU CAN DO IT.
COME ON. COME ON.
- COME BACK.
- NAT, OVER HERE NOW.
COME ON. COME ON. GET IN.
IT'S OKAY, BART.
JUST GET IN.
- IT'S OKAY. GO.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M HOT-WIRING THE CAR.
I LEARNED IT IN SCOUTS.
IT'S NOT ALL COOKIES AND KNEE-HIGH SOCKS, YOU KNOW.
[engine turns over]
- GET THE OTHER ONE. - THAT'S NOT US.
- FOLLOW THEM.
[upbeat rock music]
¶ ¶
- ¶ I'M LIVING IN THE FAST LANE ¶
- DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE IN SCOUTS TOO?
- NO, PLAYSTATION.
- ¶ I'M LIVING IN THE FAST LANE, BUDDY ¶
[tires screeching]
[record scratches]
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- STOP SIGN.
- STOP SIGNS DON'T COUNT IN CAR CHASES.
[tires squealing]
- ¶ I'M LIVING IN THE FAST LANE ¶
¶ I'M LIVING IN THE QUICK LANE ¶
- I THINK YOU'RE MAKING HIM SICK.
- HOW CAN YOU TELL?
DOES HE GET UGLIER?
- THEY'RE GAINING ON US.
[tires squealing]
- GET OUT OF THE WAY.
- ¶ I'M LIVING IN THE FAST LANE ¶
¶ I'M LIVING IN THE QUICK LANE ¶
- ALL RIGHT, WE LOST THEM.
SOMETHING TELLS ME THOSE GUYS WEREN'T CARPET CLEANERS.
[tires screeching]
- WOW.
- WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT?
COME ON. JUST RUN IT OVER.
- IT'S MY FIRST TIME DRIVING.
I REFUSE TO RUN OVER SOMETHING.
THIS IS ONE EVIL LITTLE DOG.
- OH, NO. IT'S METZ.
- OKAY, GET OUT OF THE CAR.
- OUT OF THE CAR. COME ON.
COME ON, FASTER.
COME ON, BART, KEEP UP.
DANG, GET OFF ME.
- WELL, WELL, WELL, QUEEN ARTHUR,
LOOKS LIKE YOU BROUGHT YOUR MOTHER.
- DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER, METZ.
- OR WHAT?
- BURN.
- OW! OH! OW! OW! OW!
I--I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE...
- CHEM-DRY?
- IT'S "KEM"-DRY, AND I'M NOT BUYING IT.
- WHO CHAINED HIM UP?
- DARKSMOKE.
- HE SAID, "DARKSMOKE."
- WHAT'S A DARKSMOKE?
- IT'S AN EVIL DRAGON KING, REALLY EVIL,
VICE PRINCIPAL METZ EVIL.
- BUT IT'S A CARD GAME.
IT'S MAKE-BELIEVE.
- HELLO, THERE'S A TROLL IN HIS GARAGE.
- GUESS THIS GAME JUST GOT REAL.
- ELIXIR QUEST ISN'T A CARD GAME?
IT'S REAL HISTORY?
I'VE BEEN READING HISTORY?
- JUDGING FROM THE SHACKLE AROUND HIS LEG,
I GUESS HE MUST HAVE BEEN DARKSMOKE'S PRISONER,
AND HE MUST HAVE ESCAPED.
- DOES THIS MEAN EVIL DRAGON LORD GUY--WHATEVER--
WILL COME LOOKING FOR HIM?
- THOSE GUYS IN THE VAN, THEY MUST BE WORKING FOR DS.
- OH.
- OH...
- MY...
- WOW.
HE REGENERATES.
[bouncy music]
POTIONS?
WHAT THE--
NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
WE CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW.
NO, MY MOM IS GOING TO BE HOME ANY MINUTE,
AND SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND TROLLS AND POTIONS
AND SEWERS AND...
I'M DEAD.
- SO MAGIC POTION.
THAT'S THE BEST YOU GOT?
- IT'S THE TRUTH.
- DARN IT, ARTHUR.
EVERY TIME YOU GET CAUGHT,
YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO LIE YOUR WAY OUT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO END UP, A POLITICIAN?
- I WILL NEITHER CONFIRM OR DENY THAT.
- DRINK IT.
- IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF A DRINK, THOUGH.
- ARTHUR LYLE, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BED
UNTIL YOU DRINK EVERY LAST BIT OF THIS MAGIC POTION.
DRINK IT.
- OKAY.
- MORE.
ALL OF IT.
I DON'T SEE YOU TURNING INTO A FROG OR ANYTHING.
[doorbell rings]
JIMINY CHRISTMAS.
IF YOU'RE GONNA THROW UP,
DON'T USE THE BATHROOM DOWNSTAIRS.
I JUST CLEANED IT.
- OH, PLEASE DON'T BE LOVE. PLEASE DON'T BE LOVE.
- THIS IS REALLY NOT A GOOD TIME.
- YOUR SON IS IN DEEP DOO-DOO, MADAM.
- OH... cuckoo!
- DID YOU JUST SAY--
- YES.
- NO, NO.
ARTHUR, THE WICKED VICE PRINCIPAL OF THE WEST
SEEMS TO THINK THAT YOU'VE COMMITTED SOME SORT OF CRIME,
SO COULD YOU PLEASE SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT
SO SHE CAN RETURN TO HER COFFIN BEFORE THE SUN RISES?
- MM-HMM, EVERYONE'S A COMEDIAN.
WELL, MR. LYLE?
- I STOLE A VAN.
- UH...HE'S BEEN DRINKING.
- DRINKING?
- YEAH, WELL, IT'S FINE, 'CAUSE I GAVE IT TO HIM.
- [sighs]
MR. LYLE, DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT TAKE SOMETHING
FROM THE ANIMAL CONTROL PEOPLE?
- YES.
- AND WHAT WAS IT?
- A TROLL.
- [laughs]
- AND...
- I BROUGHT HIM HOME, AND HE'S IN THE GARAGE.
- MM. HMPH.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, THAT'S MY GARAGE.
- NO, IT'S ME OR THE POLICE,
AND THE LAST TIME I LOOKED, AUTO THEFT WAS STILL A CRIME,
AND SO IS MIXING COCKTAILS FOR MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NO TROLL, HUH?
GUESS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND YOUR DATES ON THE INTERNET
LIKE THE REST OF US.
- WHAT--
[sniffs]
- THAT'S IT. SNIFF SOMEBODY ELSE'S TRASH.
- YOU KNOW, I BET YOUR EX-HUSBAND
WOULD BE VERY INTERESTED IN THE CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR,
THE DRINKING, THE POTTY MOUTH, ALL OF IT.
- YOU...
[whistle blows]
- [tutting]
I GOT MY EYE ON YOU AND YOU,
BOTH OF YOU.
[sniffing]
- WE BETTER FOLLOW HER.
SHE'S GONNA SNIFF OUR UNDERWEAR.
- WHAT?
[dog barking]
- [sighs]
LOOK, I'LL CALL YOUR FATHER IN THE MORNING.
I THINK IT'S BEST THAT HE HEAR IT FROM ME.
[sighs]
- I WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU.
- LOOK, WE'LL JUST...
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT IN THE MORNING.
[gentle piano and guitar music]
- ¶ 'CAUSE I WAS JUST LYING ABOUT ¶
¶ THE LIFE I HAD ¶
¶ AND WHERE IS THE MAGIC THAT HOLDS THE SKY UP ¶
¶ AND MAKES ME LOOK UPWARD WHENEVER IT RAINS ¶
¶ AND WHERE IS THE FEELING THAT FILLS MY LIFE UP ¶
[footsteps tapping and chain rattling]
- [roars]
- ARTHUR, ARE YOU AWAKE?
- I AM NOW.
- COME ON, GET UP.
I MADE YOU BREAKFAST.
- OH. WHO LET YOU GUYS IN?
- BART.
I THINK BART'S BEEN GATHERING EQUIPMENT.
- OH, MY GOSH.
- IT'S ALL IN THE CARDS.
I FIGURED IT OUT LAST NIGHT.
TROLLS ARE THE ONLY REGENERATORS
IN THE ENTIRE ELIXIR QUEST SYSTEM,
AND TROLLS ARE ALCHEMISTS.
- WHAT'S AN ALCHEMIST?
both: DUH.
- THEY MIX TOGETHER CHEMICALS TO MAKE POTIONS.
I GUESS HE'S MAKING SOMETHING, BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT.
- PLEASE, I GOT THIS.
ALL THE POTIONS MATCH UP WITH ELIXIR QUEST CARDS,
EXCEPT THE GOLD ONE.
THAT ONE'S NOT IN THE GAME.
IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS.
WHATEVER IT IS, IT'LL BE DONE BY MIDNIGHT.
- WHAT'S THE BLACK ONE?
- TOUCH IT, NO. BAD.
- BAD NEWS IN A BOTTLE.
- NEVER TOUCH THE BLACK ONE.
- MY BAD.
SO NOW WHAT?
WAIT TILL MIDNIGHT?
- NO, I KNOW SOMEONE WHO MAY KNOW
WHAT THE GOLD POTION IS.
SHANE BARKER.
MORNING, MOM.
- OH, HONEY.
- HEY, I MADE YOU SOME BREAKFAST.
YEAH, I MADE EGGS, SOME BACON BROWNIES
AND SOME POTATOES EXTRA CRISPY, AND JUICE.
- OH, HONEY, THAT'S SO SWEET.
BUT LOOK, IF I TAKE YOU TO THAT ELIXIR QUEST CONVENTION TODAY,
THEY'RE GONNA REVOKE MY MOM'S LICENSE, SO...
HONEY, YOU CAN'T GO.
- DID I MENTION I MADE COFFEE?
- [gasps]
[upbeat rock music]
[snoring]
¶ ¶
[all cheering]
¶ ¶
- YOU'RE TOO CLOSE TO THE SHOULDER.
- STOP IT. YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.
- NO, THAT'S MY...
- [retching]
- MOM'S.
- EW. - COOL.
- TIM.
[siren wails]
- OH, NO.
- WHAT?
WHAT?
- POLICE, THE PO-POS.
YES.
- I HAVE AN IDEA, PURE GENIUS.
- IT'S GOOD.
AH.
- OH, GADZOOKS.
OH, IT TASTES LIKE FEET.
- FEET?
- YES, FEET.
- SHH. - SHH, GUYS, THEY'RE HERE.
- STEP OUT OF THE CAR, PLEASE.
- THERE. THERE.
[grunting]
- SUCKERS.
ALL RIGHT.
- COAST IS CLEAR.
[upbeat rock music]
- LET'S GO. LET'S GO.
¶ ¶
- THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE, BOYS.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, GUYS.
- GET OUT.
- HOW?
- GET OUT.
JUMP OVER.
DO IT. LOOK.
- LOOK AT THAT.
- THIS IS GONNA BE SO COOL.
[all speaking at once]
[upbeat rock music]
¶ ¶
- NICE COSTUME.
- DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS.
COME ON, BART.
- ¶ IT SEEMS YOU'VE REACHED THE POINT OF NO RETURN ¶
¶ ¶
¶ YOU TELL THEM THAT IT'S SERIOUS ¶
¶ IRONIC AND MYSTERIOUS ¶
¶ THEY'LL LOVE YOU ¶
¶ OH, THEY'LL LOVE YOU ¶
¶ ¶
¶ THE DESERT COMES ALIVE AGAINST THE HEADLIGHTS ¶
¶ TONIGHT I WRITE EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ¶
¶ ¶
- COME ON. THIS WAY.
- ¶ HOORAY, GOLD STAR ¶
¶ YOU'VE COME SO FAR ¶
¶ AND EVERYTHING YOU SEE ¶
¶ EVERYTHING YOU SEE IS LIKE A PHOTOGRAPH ¶
- [snorting]
- COULD YOU SIGN THIS, PLEASE?
"TO A REALLY BIG FAN."
- HEY.
- MR. SHANE BARKER, THIS IS OUR TROLL.
- NICE.
SO, UH...WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO SIGN HIS NOSE?
- DARKSMOKE IS REAL.
- YEAH, LOOK, HARDY BOYS, NANCY DREW,
I GET THE WHOLE ROLE-PLAYING THING,
BUT WE GOT A LINE AROUND THE BLOCK,
SO IF YOU GOT SOMETHING FOR ME TO SIGN...
- LOOK.
- HUH?
OH, YUMMY.
- YES, THANK YOU.
VERY NICE, CRISS ANGEL, BUT LIKE I SAID,
THE LINE'S 200 DEEP,
AND I GOT TO HAND OUT A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
TO THE OLSEN TWINS IN 20 MINUTES.
TRANSLATION: NEXT.
- WAIT. LOOK.
- [grunts]
- HE'S-- - REGENERATING?
- BUT THAT'S-- - IMPOSSIBLE?
- WOW, AND YOU FINISH MY SENTENCES.
THIS IS WEIRD.
OKAY, UM...
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
- HERE YOU GO, SWEETIE.
THAT'S FOR YOU.
YOU CAN KEEP THAT.
I'LL BE BACK IN...TWO WEEKS.
GOT TO GO.
- WHERE ARE YOU...
- OH, MAN, HARD-CORE.
THIS IS JUST LIKE MY DREAMS.
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEEK THERAPY.
- I HAVE.
IT DIDN'T WORK. TRUST ME.
IT ALL STARTED BACK WHEN I WAS IN REHA--
CAMP--CAMP REHA.
I KEPT DREAMING ABOUT TROLLS AND DRAGONS AND DARKSMOKE.
I'M TALKIN' DREAMS, VIVID DREAMS,
LIKE--LIKE--LIKE VISIONS.
- MAYBE YOU HAD ESP.
- KID, THEY DIDN'T HAVE CABLE.
- COULDN'T YOU HAVE DREAMT ABOUT SHEEP
OR LOTTERY NUMBERS?
- OR LADY FRIENDS.
- [laughs]
DUDE, I SO WISH,
BUT ALL I KEPT GETTING WERE POTIONS, INGREDIENTS,
AND... AND A TROLL NAMED BART.
- BART.
- THAT'S ME, BART.
- THAT'S HIS NAME, ISN'T IT? - IT'S ME.
- [laughs]
OW.
I HAD THIS IMAGE OF HIM IN A DUNGEON OR LAB,
A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH.
HE WAS DARKSMOKE'S PRISONER.
- DARKSMOKE... [grumbles]
- I WAS RIGHT. THAT EXPLAINS THE CHAIN.
- DARKSMOKE HAD HIM WORKING ON CONTROL POTIONS...
AND SOMETHING BIGGER.
- YOU NEED TO SEE SOMETHING.
- DRIPPY THING,
MYSTIC VAPOR,
REGENERATION POTION.
IT'S CALLED "PERSONAL SPACE."
IT'S A REVERSAL POTION.
- THERE'S NO REVERSAL POTION IN ELIXIR QUEST.
- EYES ONLY, KID.
ASH...
LIMESTONE...
MUD PEPPER.
IT'S TRANSFIGURATION.
- IF TRANSFIGURATION POTIONS ARE STILL AROUND...
- THEN DARKSMOKE IS STILL AROUND.
- BUT HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A DRAGON ANYMORE.
- WHICH MEANS DARKSMOKE CAN BE ANYWHERE.
- THAT'S RIGHT...
OR ANYONE.
OH, MOM WAS RIGHT.
I SHOULD HAVE FINISHED COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
- WHAT DO WE DO?
- I DON'T KNOW.
SEND HIM BACK TO THE MOTHER SHIP.
SELL HIM TO A FREAK SHOW.
- BART'S ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
FOR ALL YOU KNOW, HE COULD BE DARKSMOKE.
YOU'D BETTER GET A PROPANE TORCH.
- BECAUSE...
- BECAUSE FIRE IS THE ONLY WAY TO FINISH OFF A REGENERATOR.
- NOBODY IS GONNA CHARBROIL BART.
- I'VE GOT A SERIOUS MIGRAINE.
MM-NGAH, MM-NGAH, MM.
NNH-NNH, NNH, MAMA.
- BART ESCAPED FROM DARKSMOKE.
- YEAH, BART'S ONE OF US.
- BART'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE, AND IF YOU TATTLE--
- TATTLE? REALLY?
[laughs]
SHANE, OLD BOY, YOU HAVE GOT TO GET A NEW AGENT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, TAKE IT EASY, JACKIE CHAN, HUH?
- ASPIRIN? - [laughs]
I KNEW I LIKED YOU, KID.
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHY.
LOOK, GUYS, I REALLY THINK, FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY,
WE'VE GOT TO GET SOME SERIOUS HELP.
OH, YOU LITTLE TWIT.
- RED POTION.
RING ANY BELLS?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT: CONTROL.
YOU'RE GONNA DO WHATEVER WE SAY.
HALT.
- NO.
- SIT.
ROLL OVER.
PLAY DEAD.
- YEAH? I'LL SHOW YOU "PLAY DEAD."
- TIM, THAT POTION WASN'T RED. IT'S PINK.
- COME HERE, YOU LITTLE SNOT-NOSED,
BED-WETTING, UNDERWEAR-SKIDDING BRAT.
[knock at door]
- UH-OH.
- WHAT IS ALL THE COMMOTION ABOUT?
DID SOMEBODY...
- ¶ OH, CAN I GET YOUR NUMBER, BABY ¶
¶ SO I CAN CALL YOU SOMETIME ¶
¶ CAN I GET YOUR NUMBER, BABY ¶
¶ SO I CAN CALL YOU TONIGHT ¶
¶ CAN I GET YOUR NUMBER, BABY ¶
¶ SO I CAN CALL YOU SOME-- ¶
[record scratches]
- ARTHUR, WHO IS THIS GUY IN THE LEATHER PANTS?
- HE IS MY... SCIENCE TEACHER.
- REALLY?
YOU DON'T STRIKE ME AS SCIENCE-Y.
- WHAT DO I STRIKE YOU AS,
MY LITTLE CHRYSANTHEMUM?
- WE'RE WORKING ON MY SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT.
- AH, AND SO HE'S THE, UH, SCIENCE FAIRY?
- HE'S MISTER...
- BAGGINS.
- BAGGINS, AH.
WELL, UH, HELLO, MR. BAGGINS.
AND SO WHAT IS MY ARTHUR DOING FOR THE SCIENCE FAIR?
- OH, IT BEATS THE HECK OUT OF--
- IT'S COMPLICATED.
- OH.
HMM, LOOKS COMPLICATED.
- BEER.
- BEER?
- UH, HE'S... BREWING BEER.
- IS BEER REALLY AN APPROPRIATE PROJECT
FOR A SEVENTH GRADE SCIENCE FAIR?
- NOT AS ACCEPTABLE AS WINE.
- WINE?
- WINE, SOME CANDLELIGHT...
I MEAN, OVER DINNER.
- [laughs]
UM...
EXCUSE ME.
- [laughs]
[sighs]
- HAVE HER BACK BY 12:00.
WE NEED TO GO THROUGH HIS STUFF.
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING THAT WILL CLUE US IN
TO WHO DARKSMOKE REALLY IS.
- LIKE A CHRISTMAS CARD FROM DARKSMOKE?
- NO, NO. I SAID NO TOUCHING.
NO, IT'S BAD.
- TIM, TAKE BART DOWNSTAIRS AND...
TEACH HIM HOW TO USE THE MICROWAVE.
- THE MICROWAVE?
- TIM, JUST DO IT.
- MICROWAVE 101 COMING RIGHT UP.
- BART, GO WITH TIM.
- [grumbling]
TOUCH, NO. BAD. NO.
- I HAVEN'T BEEN DATING, ALTHOUGH SOME PEOPLE,
YOU KNOW, HAVE ASKED ME.
I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE WEIRD FOR ARTHUR.
I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT:
YOUR MOTHER ON A DATE,
MAKING OUT IN THE BACK OF A MOVIE THEATER.
I'M NOT IMPLYING THAT THIS IS A DATE
OR THAT ANY MAKING OF ANYTHING WILL BE INVOLVED.
THIS IS PURELY A RATED "T" FOR "TEEN" DATE, RIGHT?
[laughs] HOW MANY TIMES DID I SAY "DATE"?
WOW.
YOU SMELL SOMETHING?
- OH, IT'S MY COLOGNE.
I CALL IT "BARBARIAN."
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
- OH.
- EW, ZUT ALORS.
YUCK.
- SO TELL ME ABOUT--
- HEY, HEY, HEY.
KEEP 'EM WHERE I CAN SEE 'EM HUH?
- I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST... I LOVE YOU.
- "BUTT."
B-U-T-T.
BUTT.
- BART.
- NO, NO, NO, NOT BART. - BART.
- NO, NOT BART.
BUUUU-UTT.
- BUTT.
- YES, BUTT. - BUTT.
- BUTT.
- AND OUT OF YOUR BUTT COMES A FART.
- FAA-ART.
- FART. - FART, BUTT.
- BUTT, FART.
- FART. - FART.
- FART - AND BURP.
BURP IS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH,
LIKE IF YOU HAD A BIG--
- [burps] - BURP.
- IF YOU HAD A BIG SODA, THEN YOU GOT TO BURP.
[people chattering]
- LOOK, MOMMY. LOOK AT ME.
- CHECK THIS OUT.
- MMM.
- WOW, THAT'S SOME PIZZA.
- HERE YOU GO, KID. BUY YOURSELF SOME FRESCA.
OH, THIS PLACE IS SO ROMANTIC, ISN'T IT?
- I KNOW. I KNOW. - MM.
- CUSTOM-MADE PIZZA AND A DELICIOUS DIET SPRITE.
- YEAH. - MM-HMM.
UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL,
SO JUST FLIRT AMONGST YOURSELVES, OKAY?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- OKAY.
[sighs]
- NEO...ALITHI...UMINUM.
- YOU THINK BART'S THE NEW CHEMISTRY TEACHER?
- OH, YEAH, NEW HIGH SCORE.
- OOH.
OH. OH.
OH, THIS STUFF IS GOOD.
- IT'S WORKING.
- I GUESS HE'S NEVER SEEN E.T.
HELLO.
GET HIM.
- OKAY, OKAY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE?
- YES, HOME, ALONE.
MM, OR COFFEE WITH YOU.
- [groans]
- MAYBE HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
OR MAYBE HE WENT TO VEGAS, BABY.
OR MAYBE HE WENT TO IRELAND OR--
- TIM, TIM, HE WOULDN'T JUST DO THAT.
HE'S AN ALCHEMIST.
HE JUST WON'T LEAVE ALL HIS STUFF,
HIS MAGIC POTIONS AND HIS BEAKERS,
EVERYWHERE IN MY ROOM.
- YOU WANT TO GO LOOK FOR HIM?
- NO.
WE DON'T HAVE TO.
WE HAVE DIVINATION POTION.
- WHAT'D YOU SEE?
- NOTHING. IT MUST BE A DUD.
I KNOW WHERE HE IS. WE HAVE TO HURRY.
- OKAY, BUT BEFORE WE SAVE THE WORLD AND STUFF,
I BETTER CALL MY PARENTS.
[beeping]
[dog barking]
- MAYBE IT FELL OFF THE CIRCUS TRUCK.
- MAYBE IT FELL OFF THE UGLY TRUCK.
- WE GONNA STICK FIRECRACKERS IN HIS MOUTH?
- SHUT UP, MUNCH.
- WHAT ABOUT WATER BALLOONS? - SHUT UP.
- OR MAYBE WE CAN PUT GRENDEL IN THE CAGE
AND WATCH THEM FIGHT.
- I SAID SHUT UP.
THIS RIGHT HERE IS MY FIRST-PLACE RIBBON
FOR THE SCIENCE FAIR TOMORROW.
HEY, TROLL.
- [grunting]
[sneezes]
- AH! ALIEN SLIME. ALIEN SLIME.
[screaming]
- HEY--HEY, WHAT IF METZ IS DARKSMOKE?
HE'S DARK, AND HE SMOKES AND--
- HEY, HEY, WE HAVE THE POTIONS.
IT'S JUST LIKE IN ELIXIR QUEST.
WE CAN FIGHT HIM WITH THE POTIONS.
- [gasp] - [exhales forcefully]
- OKAY, OKAY, WHY ARE WE-- WHY ARE WE AT THE SCHOOL?
THIS IS DEFINITELY THE WORST DATE I'VE EVER BEEN ON.
- DON'T YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE?
- YEAH, YEAH, IT'S IN MY POCKET OVER HERE.
- WELL, LET ME TRY TO REACH IT.
- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, JUST THE PHONE.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT. TAKE IT EASY. I'M SORRY.
LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE.
I--I WASN'T FEELING MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY NOT MY TYPE.
- OH, I'M NOT YOUR TYPE, HUH?
YEAH, WELL, YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.
- NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
YOU'RE FINE. YOU'RE JUST--
- I'M JUST WHAT?
- TOO...MOM-ISH.
- AMISH? - MOM-ISH.
- MO--OH, MOM-ISH, TOO MOM-ISH.
NICE, NICE.
- IT'S JUST AN OBSERVATION.
- WELL, THANK YOU, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.
I AM A MOM.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WALK AROUND IN LEATHER PANTS
READING COMIC BOOKS.
I HAVE BILLS TO PAY AND MEALS TO MAKE
AND A LITTLE BOY TO CIVILIZE.
- ENOUGH, ENOUGH. I...
YOU'RE A GOOD MOM.
- LOOK, WHAT ARE YOU ANYWAY? WHO ARE YOU?
YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT A SCIENCE TEACHER.
- [chuckles] THANK YOU, MAMA OBVIOUS.
- YEAH, WELL... ARE YOU A SERIAL KILLER?
- I DIDN'T HAVE THE S.A.T. SCORES.
- OH, I HAD TO ASK.
- LOOK, I'M A GAME DESIGNER, OKAY?
I'M HUGE IN FINLAND.
I DESIGNED THE GAME ELIXIR QUEST.
ANYWAY, IT'S THIS GAME BASED ON TROLLS AND DRAGONS
THAT ACTUALLY LIVE IN OUR WORLD.
YOUR SON DISCOVERED A TROLL THAT MAY HOLD THE KEY
TO RESTORING THE MOST VILE DRAGON OF THEM ALL
TO HIS PREVIOUS REIGN OF EVIL.
- SO YOU'RE NOT A SERIAL KILLER.
YOU'RE JUST CRAZY.
- OKAY, LOOK, HOW ABOUT I TRY FOR THAT PHONE ONE MORE TIME?
- IS IT OFF?
- YEAH, I GUESS SO.
- IS IT OFF? - YEAH, YEAH.
- YOU'D BE FREAKING TOO IF YOU JUST GOT SPLATTERED IN THE FACE.
IT MIGHT BE RADIOACTIVE OR SOMETHING.
- METZ, WE ONLY HAVE A FEW HOURS BEFORE THE SCIENCE FAIR.
- THEN WE BEST START THE DISSECTION.
- [growls]
[both grunting]
[whistle blows]
- GET THE PHONE. [gasps]
- I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HEAR A PIN DROP.
OH, MRS. LYLE,
WHO IS YOUR GENTLEMAN FRIEND, HMM?
HE'S QUITE A CATCH.
YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME, DO YOU?
- OH, WOW, YOU MAKE ONE BAD MISTAKE.
LOOK, I WAS YOUNG--
[whistle blows] - YOU IDIOT.
YOU USED TO WORK HERE.
- SEE? I WAS A TEACHER.
- YOU WERE A JANITOR...
WHO SAW SOMETHING
HE SHOULDN'T HAVE SEEN.
- THIS GIG IS SO TEMPORARY.
I'M AN ARTIST.
OF COURSE I REMEMBERED YOUR BIRTHDAY.
YES, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
IN FACT, I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
YOU'RE GONNA-- YOU'RE GONNA THINK
IT'S THE MOST ROMANTIC THING EVER.
YES...
[door creaking]
- IT WON'T BE LONG NOW, MY STINKY LITTLE FUR BABY,
AND ALL OF OUR HARD WORK WILL HAVE PAID OFF,
AND THE WORLD WILL ONCE AGAIN KNOW THE NAME LORD DARKSMOKE.
NOW LET'S GO DO POOPY TIME,
AND THEN WE CAN WATCH YOUR ANIMAL PLANET, HMM?
- OH.
[sniffs]
OOF.
YEESH.
NO WAY.
WHOA.
- [whimpering]
- WHAT ARE YOU?
NO.
GET.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
- UH, SWEEPING.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND?
- UH... - GIVE IT TO ME.
GIVE IT TO ME.
NO.
YOU ATE THE LIST OF INGREDIENTS TO THE REVERSAL POTION
WHICH WILL RETURN LORD DARKSMOKE TO HIS FULL FORM.
WE HAVE GATHERED ALL THE INGREDIENTS EXCEPT ONE.
- WHY DON'T I REMEMBER THAT?
- BECAUSE YOU WENT TO THE PO-PO.
- YOU.
- YOU WERE THERE AND YOU WERE THERE
AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO.
AN AMNESIA POTION.
- ALL RIGHT, ZIP IT, SCARECROW.
WE SLIPPED IT INTO YOUR SANKA AT THE JAIL.
- HEY, THAT'S MY DECK.
- YES, WE TOOK THE LIBERTY
OF RUMMAGING THROUGH YOUR POCKETS.
- I SHOULD SHOWER.
- THIS EXTENSION PACK IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE
A REVERSAL POTION CARD WITH A LIST OF INGREDIENTS
WHICH HAS BEEN BURIED IN OUR SUBCONSCIOUS.
- IT SEEMS LIKE IF YOU HAVE WHAT YOU NEED,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET US GO?
- 'CAUSE THAT CARD IS MISSING.
- WELL, I'LL DO A CAVITY SEARCH.
SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS.
- NGAH.
HUH?
- LOTS OF CAVITIES. NO CARD, THOUGH, METZ.
- THANK YOU. STAND DOWN, OFFICER ANNIE.
- WH--WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
- GET ON THE PHONE. - OKAY.
- ORDER ME A SANKA.
- WHAT THE--
THEY'RE ALL PURPLE.
- I MIXED IN KOOL-AID.
- NO.
- I DIDN'T OPEN THE BLACK ONE.
- YOU DON'T JUST MIX KOOL-AID WITH POTIONS.
THAT'S HOW YOU TELL, LIKE, UH, WHICH ONE'S WHICH.
- EVER HEARD OF LABELS? - HEY, HEY, ENOUGH.
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TAKE OUR CHANCES.
ONLY USE THE POTIONS AS A LAST RESORT.
- OKAY.
- YOU'VE GOT YOURS.
YOU GUYS READY?
- IT TOUCHED ME.
- THERE'S A RULE AT THE SCIENCE FAIR:
NO DOGS, PIGS, FROGS, SNAKES... IF THEY'RE ALIVE.
BUT IF THEY'RE DEAD...
COME ON, ALIEN,
TIME FOR A CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE METZ KIND.
- ARTHUR.
- STEP AWAY FROM THE TROLL, METZ.
- QUEEN ARTHUR?
[laughter]
GO GET HIM, YOU MORONS.
- [groaning]
- LOOKS LIKE QUEEN ARTHUR NEEDS A HAIRCUT.
[weed whacker whirring]
- WOW, METZ, YOU'RE A FREAK.
I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY MOTHER.
- I WONDER WHAT QUEEN ARTHUR'S GONNA LOOK LIKE WITH A BUZZ CUT.
- OH, YEAH!
- I THINK I JUST TINKLED MYSELF.
- YOU SEE, METZ, YOU DON'T MESS
WITH THE KNIGHTS OF THE SQUARE TABLE.
NICE JOB, TIM.
[laughter]
[beeping]
- OH, OOH, AH, AH, NO, NO.
YES, YES.
YES, THE POTIONS.
- DARKSMOKE.
- GET DARKSMOKE.
MY MOM'S GONNA KILL ME.
- DARKSMOKE TOOK BART'S POTION.
[phone ringing]
- HELLO?
HELLO?
- ARTHUR LYLE.
- YES?
- WE NEED YOU TO REPORT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE NOW.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- ARTHUR, HONEY, DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
DON'T...
- MOM?
- BRING THE ALCHEMIST.
[dial tone humming]
- MOM?
[crow cawing]
- HE KNOWS DARKSMOKE'S INSIDE.
- I THINK IT'S WHERE HE ESCAPED FROM.
SOMEWHERE IN THERE WAS THE DRAGON'S LAIR.
OUR BAG OF POTIONS IS THE ONLY WAY TO STOP DARKSMOKE.
- TIM AND I GOT THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU AND BART GONNA DO?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- IF YOU DID, I MIGHT BE WORRIED.
BE CAREFUL.
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA KISS ME, ARE YOU?
- EW, NO, GROSS. UGH.
- BART, MY MOM'S IN THERE.
I NEED YOUR HELP TO GET HER OUT.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
- ¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER TO SAVE THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
¶ ON A ROLL WITH A TROLL ¶
¶ ON A QUEST WE WILL GO ¶
¶ FIGHTING A WAR IN THE HALLWAYS AND SEWERS ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER TO SAVE THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
- IT'S SUPEREST GLUE.
- THAT'S COOL.
- ¶ A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
- HEY, MUNCH. - WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- THE LORD OF THE DING-A-LINGS.
WHERE'S METZ?
- I DON'T KNOW.
YOU SICKO. - WHERE?
- HE'S OVER THERE.
- AH.
[gagging]
- YES.
- WHOA!
- WELL, I SEE YOU'VE COMPLETED YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT...
FINALLY.
- WHERE'S MY MOM?
- I'M RIGHT HERE, BABY.
- BUT WHERE'S MY REAL MOM?
- ALL RIGHT, NOT SO FAST.
THE TROLL HASN'T DELIVERED THE GOODS YET.
- YOU HAVE THE POTION.
WHAT DO YOU NEED BART FOR?
- I NEED THAT ONE FINAL INGREDIENT.
OH, AND THAT TRAMPY MOTHER OF YOURS
IS IN THE STORAGE CLOSET.
OH, ISN'T THIS FUN?
- WELL...
- ANNIE, BRING IN LORD DARKSMOKE.
- GRENDEL IS DARKSMOKE?
[alarm ringing]
[all screaming]
- ANNIE, GET YOUR GUN.
NO, BETTER YET, LOCK ALL THE DOORS.
LORD DARKSMOKE WILL BE HUNGRY.
- HELP!
- HEY.
- HELP! HELP!
- MOM? MOM, IS THAT YOU?
- ARTHUR.
- ARTHUR, MY MAN.
- MOM, WHO IS IN THERE WITH YOU?
- THAT TEACHER, MR. ELIXIR QUEST OR SOMETHING.
[all screaming]
- OPEN THE DOOR. - HOW?
- HERE, TAKE MY CREDIT CARD.
- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, PAY SOMEONE TO OPEN THE DOOR?
- JUST OPEN IT.
[dramatic music]
¶ ¶
- [growling]
[glass shattering]
- ARTHUR.
- HERE, ME TRY. YOU LOOK.
- OH!
[grunts]
- MOMMY.
- HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.
- RUN!
- [roaring]
- SHANE, SHANE, SHANE!
- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
- [retching]
- THANKS...I THINK.
REALLY, THANKS. THANKS.
- ARE YOU--
EW, UGH.
- MOM, THERE'S NO ESCAPE.
- THE DOORS ARE ALL LOCKED.
- OH, LOOK.
- HELP!
- WHAT IS HE DOING?
- SOMEONE GET ME DOWN. GET ME DOWN.
- YOU IDIOT.
- HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT,
BUT WE GOT TO GET HIM DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON, NATALIE, GET ON MY SHOULDERS.
- HELP. [screaming]
- WATCH YOUR FEET.
- COME ON. HURRY, GUYS, PLEASE.
- GRAB HIM.
PULL.
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
PULL. - PULL.
- OH, COME ON.
- OOF! - OH! OH!
- THE SECRET DOOR.
COME ON.
- HURRY UP. COME ON.
- OH, YOU...
- ARE YOU OKAY? - YEAH.
- COME ON. - GO.
GO. - COME ON.
- GO.
HURRY UP. HURRY UP.
GET DOWN THERE.
- [screams]
[mystical music]
¶ ¶
- TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS. I'LL HANDLE THIS.
- OKAY.
- MM-HMM.
- WHEW. - OW, OW.
- [growling]
- [screams]
- SHANE, ARE YOU OKAY?
- YEAH, NOTHING THAT TRACTION
AND 11 MONTHS OF THERAPY WON'T FIX.
- NICE DOGGY.
DON'T SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO PLAY FETCH.
- [roaring]
- DARKSMOKE.
- [roaring]
- [screams]
both: SHH.
- WHAT IS THAT?
GET ME OUT OF HERE. GET ME OUT.
- QUIET, QUIET. - SHH.
[pounding on door]
- HEY, HEY.
- GO. GO. GO. GO.
- NATALIE. - LET'S RUN.
- OW, HOT.
OW, OW, HOT.
- AH!
- [growling]
- WE NEED HELP.
WE NEED THE POLICE OR THE ARMY OR GODZILLA.
- I'M GONNA DIE IN HERE WITH NERDS.
I'M GONNA DIE IN HERE WITH NERDS.
- [gasps]
- SHH.
- THANKS.
- IT'S BART'S LAB.
- CONTROL POTIONS.
- THEY MUST HAVE BEEN USED ON THE SCHOOL FACULTY,
ANNIE, THE EXTERMINATOR.
DARKSMOKE'S BEEN CONTROLLING THEM THE WHOLE TIME.
- WHAT?
HMM.
[gasps]
[cell phone ringing]
- HELLO.
- HELLO, AM I SPEAKING WITH LAURA LYLE?
- YES.
- THIS IS JERRY REYNOLDS FROM IAC.
I'M CALLING ABOUT YOUR VISA BILL.
WE HAVE ONE OF THREE OPTIONS YOU CAN...
- HOW DO THEY FIND ME?
- [roaring]
[whistle blows]
- [groaning]
- HELP.
OH, MY GOSH. HONEY.
- MOM.
MOM, YOU MADE IT. ARE YOU OKAY?
- OH, HONEY.
I AM SO SORRY I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU.
THAT THING.
OH, MY GOSH.
BART'S HURT.
- NO. WAS IT FIRE?
- YES.
- WE NEED TO MAKE OUR NEXT MOVE NOW.
- WHAT DO WE GOT? - THIS.
- OH, MAN. ROCK AND ROLL.
I'M LOVING THIS TROLL MORE AND MORE EVERY MINUTE.
- WHAT IS IT? - IT'S FIRE PROTECTION.
- LET ME HAVE IT. - NO, TIM.
- I'M THE FASTEST.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA GO ALONE.
- OKAY.
- YOU DISTRACT, AND WE'LL DO THE REST.
- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
- YOU'RE BACKUP.
- YEAH, WHAT'S THAT?
- YOU BACK US UP.
- LET'S GO, GUYS.
- NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, YOU CAN'T GO.
THAT THING'S GONNA KILL YOU. - MOM.
- NO, ARTHUR, NO.
- MOM, YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME.
MY FRIEND'S UP THERE, AND HE'S HURT.
- ALL RIGHT.
- LET'S GO. TIM, YOU GO UP FIRST.
- I WILL. - BE CAREFUL.
- TIM, DRINK THE ANTI-FIRE POTION.
- [blows raspberry]
OH, MY.
WHOA.
OH, OH, OH.
OH, MY.
- STAY LOW.
- BART.
HEY, BART.
- OH, SCARY. SCARY.
OH, MY GOSH.
COOL.
- ARTHUR, YOU CAN'T.
- HE'S MY FRIEND.
- HE'S OUR FRIEND, BUT WE GOT A DRAGON TO SLAY.
- TIM, GET BACK IN THE SEWER.
- [roaring]
- TIM, COME ON.
- HURRY.
- HANG ON TO SOMETHING.
IT'S ABOUT TO GET REALLY BAD.
- OKAY, GET IN HERE. GET IN HERE.
LAURA, GRAB THAT SHACKLE. PUT IT ON YOUR ANKLE.
IT'LL KEEP YOU SAFE.
- OKAY.
- HEY, DARKSMOKE.
I GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU,
BAD NEWS IN A BOTTLE.
[all screaming]
- HOLD ON! - HOLD ON!
HOLD ON, SHANE!
- HOLD ON.
- IT'S COMING. COME ON!
- [screams]
OH, I CAN'T GET IT.
[screams]
- GRAB MY PANTS.
THEY'RE NOT COMING OFF.
- HOLD ON!
- [grunting]
- HOLD ON! HOLD ON!
[all screaming]
- HOLD ON!
- WE GOT YOU.
- [laughs]
NICE JOB.
- [gasping]
ARE YOU OKAY?
- WE MADE IT.
OH, WE MADE IT.
- OH, YES!
both: EW.
- OKAY.
OH, MY GOSH.
- IS HE...
- NO.
- WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HONEY, WHAT IS IT?
- COME ON, BART.
COME ON.
- ARTHUR.
- HE--HE'S CHANGING.
HE--HE'S--HE'S-- MOM, HE'S HEALING.
LOOK.
- OH!
- [mumbles]
[laughter]
- HONEY, NEXT TIME, BRING HOME A PUPPY.
[laughter]
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S HUNGRY?
- I AM. - TIM IS.
- I KNOW HE WANTED TO COOK, BUT IS HE OKAY?
- YEAH, HE'S GOT THIS THING ABOUT FIRE.
- YEAH, WELL... [indistinct]
- I GOT DARKSMOKE.
- OUCH.
- [laughs]
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT.
I'VE GOT A CARD THAT WILL BEAT THAT.
all: WHOA.
- IT'S PART OF THE ELIXIR QUEST HEROES EXTENSION DECK.
- BUT YOU FORGOT SOMEONE.
- YEAH, WHERE'S BART?
- BART HAS HIS OWN CARD.
- WELL, THERE'S A CARD OF A TROLL,
BUT BART'S EARNED HIS OWN CARD.
- YEAH.
- IT'S IN THE EXTENSION PACK.
I GAVE YOU GUYS A SNEAK PEEK AT ELIXIR QUEST FEST.
SEE, THE ORIGINAL POTION WASN'T MEANT FOR DARKSMOKE.
IT WAS MEANT FOR BART.
- HUH?
- WHOA.
THAT'S AMAZING.
- WHAT'S HE DOING? - WHAT'S HE DOING?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- WHAT'S THE POTION FOR?
- BART.
- BART?
- IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT ALL HIS FRIENDS ARE HERE TODAY.
- [groaning]
- WHOA.
- THAT'S AMAZING.
- TOBAR THE GOLDEN DRAGON.
- I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
- ARTHUR.
- [roaring]
- LOOK AT HOW FAST HE IS.
- WHOA.
- [laughing] OH, YES.
LOOK AT THAT.
- THAT'S AWESOME.
- OH, NO WAY.
- WHAT'S HE DOING?
- OH, COMING RIGHT AT US.
WHOA. - WHOA!
- [laughs]
- HE'S GOING HOME.
- UGH, THOSE FILTHY KIDS.
- MOM, WHEN ARE WE GOING HOME?
- AH, I'VE STILL GOT TO DO THE TOILETS.
- WELL, HURRY IT UP. I'M HUNGRY.
- UGH. [groans]
ARRGH, GET IN HERE, YOU STUPID MOP.
- THERE.
OH, YEAH.
[laughs]
- ¶ BACK IN THE DAY, WELL, THEY ALL USED TO SAY ¶
¶ THAT KING ARTHUR REALLY HAD IT MADE ¶
¶ THERE WERE DRAGONS TO SLAY, A PRINCESS TO SAVE ¶
¶ AND NO SUCH THING AS GETTING GOOD GRADES ¶
¶ NO BULLIES TO BATTLE, NO PRINCIPALS RATTLING OFF ¶
¶ EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER DONE WRONG ¶
¶ JUST CASTLES AND KNIGHTS WHO WERE UP FOR THE FIGHT ¶
¶ WHEN SOME EVIL DRAGON CAME ALONG ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER TO SAVE THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
¶ THOSE DAYS ARE GONE ¶
¶ THERE'S NO SWORDS TO BE DRAWN ¶
¶ IT'S AN ORDINARY EVERYDAY BORE ¶
¶ BUT IF DRAGONS WERE BACK I'LL BE FIRST TO ATTACK ¶
¶ BETWEEN HOMEWORK, SCHOOL, AND CHORES ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER TO SAVE THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
¶ ON A ROLL WITH A TROLL ¶
¶ ON A QUEST WE WILL GO ¶
¶ FIGHTING A WAR IN THE HALLWAYS AND SEWERS ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER TO SAVE THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER TO SAVE THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ I'M JUST AN AVERAGE TEENAGER SAVING THE DAY ¶
¶ I AM NOT AFRAID ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I'M A TEENAGE DRAGON, A TEENAGE DRAGON ¶
¶ A TEENAGE DRAGONSLAYER ¶